Local Student Terrorized by Vegetables in Fridge He’s Not Eating

EVANSTON, IL— After delving into the depths of his fridge for something to eat, student Jeff Lawson, 19, realized that all of the vegetables he bought in an attempt to eat healthily are rotting in his fridge and haunting his grotesque existence. “I said, ‘Yeah, I’m gonna buy this kale and these cherry tomatoes and make a nice hearty salad for dinner,'” half-lamented Lawson, who presumed the summer would be a great time to shed the layer of walrus blubber he tacked on from a scholastic year of day-old cheese pizza and three dollar malt liquor.  “Yesterday, I ate a block of cheese and washed it down with the crumbles from an almost-finished bag of tortilla chips.” Lawson added, “what the hell am I supposed to do with this bottle of reduced fat raspberry vinaigrette dressing? What, you want me to marinate my steak with this bottle of seasoned salad water? Why did I think I could do this?” When asked if he would try to pick up healthy eating habits again on his next grocery run, Lawson laughed hysterically and ordered Chinese food through GrubHub as hot, salty tears streamed down his face.